Parenting Blog

Thoughts and reflections on parenting our kids.

Nov 13, 2008, Personal Responsibility

“By attempting to avoid responsibility for our own behavior, we are giving away our power to some other individual or organization. In this way, millions daily attempt to escape from freedom. – M. Scott Peck

It is important to teach our children to be responsible for their choices and their behavior. We do our children no favors by protecting them from the consequences of their choices. In being overprotective, we rob them of personal power. When we blame others we have given away the key to our own freedom.

Nov 12, 2008, State-dependent Learning

“The most important moments to focus on in parent-child interactions are those moments when the child is emotional. Kids learn about anger when they are actually angry. Then, when they are angry once again, they will have access to this learning. Learning about emotion is state-dependent.” — Hiam Ginott

Too often we try to teach our children about emotions when they are not emotional. State-dependent experiences, such as anger, can be fully understood only when we are in the same mental state where the emotion was originally experienced. State-dependent learning is the most useful kind because the learning is in our bones.

Nov 11, 2008, Our Relatedness to Others

“We learn to listen better to ourselves and to others. As we do that, we enhance our capacity for learning, for seeing things as they are, for loving, and for making a more significant contribution to the well-being of the world. The quality of life does change as we do these practices, both in terms of increased inner peace and in terms of our capacity to deepen our relatedness to each other.” — Francis Vaughan

Vaughn recognizes the wonderful paradox that our relatedness to others is increased as we do our own inner work. The more we delve into our own spirituality the closer we become to those around us. As we reflect on our own experience, we discover that it is often a microcosm of the whole human experience.

Nov 10, 2008, Praise vs. Acceptance

“We all have strengths and areas where we don’t do as well. Help your child to feel good about his strengths, and to know that the areas where he doesn’t do well are accepted to.” -- Betty Youngs

It’s easy to praise your child for doing well. It’s not so easy to encourage them when they fail. Our children need to know that our acceptance of them as persons is not dependent on their performance. We can share their disappointments when things go wrong and still accept them and encourage them to try again.

Nov 9, 2008, Manipulation

“Nervousness, irritability, hypersensitivity and reactivity are separate words that all mean the same thing: we are being frustrated in our efforts to manipulate someone. They won’t stand still for us nor respond to our controls. We do not like they’re obvious insubordination to our wishes.” – Willard and Marguerite Beecher

How easy it is to become frustrated when we try to control our children. No one likes to be controlled. We must learn to win their cooperation rather than demand their obedience. Winning the cooperation of our children is not difficult as long as we have a friendly relationship with them. By maintaining a friendly, respectful relationship with our children, they prefer to do what we ask in order to keep a close connection with us.

Nov 8, 2008, Our Daily Inventory

“Our daily inventory needs to be a review of what we said and did and its impact on those around us.”— Terry Kellogg and Marvel Harrison

Step 10, taking a personal inventory, is a critical part of our recovery. It is the method we use for personal accountability. Without accountability, we cannot heal and repair our relationships. Repairing our relationships is central to our recovery as parents.

Nov 7, 2008, Degradation or Acceptance

“Trying to be what you are not is degradation.” -- Maxwell Maltz

The quickest and surest way to lower your self-esteem is to pretend to be someone you’re not. Whenever you try to be someone different than who you are, you are secretly judging and finding fault with yourself. When you fail to accept your self the way you are, you are putting your self down. Self acceptance is an essential aspect of good self-esteem.

Nov 6, 2008, Process is Everything!

“Process is everything. We can only teach kindness kindly. We can only teach respect by being respectful. We can only teach politeness by being polite with our children. You can’t say, ‘You stupid idiot, I said to be polite!’” -- John Gottman

Children learn more from how we conduct ourselves with them than from what we talk about to them. Our actions and our words must be consistent. Children are very sensitive to phoniness. When our words and behavior don’t match, our children will imitate how we act more often than following what we say.

Nov 5, 2008, Emotions

“Emotions are at the heart of any relationship. They are your life’s energy. The pulse of the relationship depends in large part on how you and your partner manage and communicate your feelings. This requires honesty, openness, and lots of tender, loving, attentive care – care for your feelings and for your partners.”— Steven Farmer

The emotional exchange between children’s parents plays a huge role in their development and wellbeing. The free flow of loving kindness, mutual respect and honest communication form the foundation of a healthy home.

Nov 4, 2008, The Road To Self-Improvement

“Change is difficult. The action of a poor self-image is always to perpetuate itself. As we start out on the road to self-improvement, the tendency is to keep replaying the old patterns of blame, guilt and self denigration.” -- Andrew Matthews

The mental programs of self-blame and guilt are not easy to overcome. Positive self-talk is the best place to start. By reprogramming your mind with positive thoughts you will eventually defeat the negativity that is associated with your life prior to recovery.

Nov 3, 2008, Living in the Present

“Too many of us see yesterday, not today, when we look in the mirror.” -- Maxwell Maltz

As parents and recovery, we come with lots of baggage from our past. This baggage has a tendency to drag us backwards. We must learn to live in the moment while looking forward to the future. As we apply the principles of recovery we are more and more able to live in day-tight compartments.

Nov 2, 2008, Recovery

“Your recovery as a parent is going to be threatened – and supported – by the same feelings and character traits that affect your personal recovery: resentment, shame, grandiosity, as well as humility, compassion, and love.” – Alex Packer

A recovering parent and a recovering addict have many things in common. We share the same challenges, resources and joys. Recovery in both arenas requires courage, patience, and support from others. Nobody can do it for you and you can’t do it alone. Never hesitate to reach out to others and ask for support.

Nov 1, 2008, Positive Thoughts

“It takes practice to affirm someone since many of us and never were affirmed as children. The negative thoughts many of us give ourselves will persist unless we make an effort to replace them with positive thoughts. Affirmations take time to learn, practice and most of all believe. Keep trying. You are worth the effort!”—Terry Kellogg and Marvel Harrison

We can change our inner lives by changing the way we talk to ourselves. We talk to ourselves all day long. The question is, are we giving ourselves good thoughts or bad thoughts. By making a point to say positive things to ourselves, we can influence our brains, our attitudes, and our behavior.

Oct 31, 2008, Making Amends

“Children, too, need to learn how to make amends. Doing so allows them to take responsibility for their actions and to expiate the guilt and regret they often feel as a result of their misdeeds.” – Alex Packer

Making amends is a healing activity which we can share with our children. As parents we can model this behavior as well as teach our children how to make amends. Through making amends, children are able to experience the healing power of personal responsibility and forgiveness.

Oct 30, 2008, Self-acceptance

“Self-acceptance is the beginning of confidence. To live successfully, realize that you were capable of making a mistake.” – Maxwell Maltz

Self-acceptance always includes accepting our humanness. Our humanness includes the fact that all parents make mistakes. To be unwilling to accept the nature of our mistakes is to live in denial. Because we can go nowhere from where we are not, all change and personal growth begins by accepting our mistakes.

Oct 29, 2008, Strengths and Weaknesses

“How a family handles problems determines how functional they are. A trait of a low-functioning family is the inability to recognize its own strengths. Often we get so focused on what went wrong that we overlooked what went right.” — Terry Kellogg and Marvel Harrison

It’s important to acknowledge our strengths as well as our weaknesses. All families have problems and challenges. It is not useful to over emphasize weaknesses and under emphasize strengths. Success is more the result of building on the strengths that it is eliminating all weaknesses.

Oct 28, 2008, Perfectionism

“You don’t have to be all things to your kids. And your kids don’t want you to be either. It’s a lot easier for them if they don’t have to live up to someone who aspires to be God.” -- Alex Packer

Perfectionism is a curse. God’s love for us is not dependent on our past, our performance or our perfectionism. None of us can be a perfect parent, or perfect anything else. We must all practice the courage to be imperfect. Perfectionism is a burden that robs ones life of joy in spontaneity.

Oct 27, 2008, Put Away The iPod

“There comes a time when you’ve got to put away the Game Boys, turn off the television set, put away the iPod, and get your kids down to work.” – Thomas L. Friedman

Friedman is a very busy man, but he has his priorities straight. As parents, we have to take responsibility to guide and direct our children rather then simply buy them the latest gadgets to entertain themselves so we don’t have to deal with them one on one. Actively involved parents are a joy to their kids.

Oct 26, 2008, Learning

“Curiosity, experience and awareness are the keys to learning. The child is the natural student for whom learning is not work.” — Terry Kellogg and Marvel Harrison

There is so much we can learn from our children. All we have to do is observe their eagerness to look at the world around them and learn how it works. They are naturally curious and trusting, eager to explore and discover what is around the next corner. We would do well to encourage and support their enthusiasm for learning.

Oct 25, 2008, Unconditional Love

“We love those who know the worst of us — and don't turn their faces away.” — Walker Percy

This is the essence of unconditional love. Our children need to know that we will never turn away from them, in spite of any mistakes they make or any bad decisions they make. We all need those special persons in our lives who will stand by us, no matter what. Parents who play this role will never be disappointed because children who feel loved and accepted are eager to earn our respect.

Oct 24, 2008, Structure and Chaos

“With no structure there is chaos. With total structure there is no room for emptiness.” — M. Scott Peck

Healthy family life requires a proper balance between structure and chaos. With too much structure, there is no room for creativity, reflection and personal expression. Too much chaos leads to uncertainty and constant anxiety. Families need a meaningful level of predictability in order to function properly. It is our job as parents to provide this health balance for our children.

Oct 23, 2008, Control

The attempt to control everything that happens in the family only produces power struggles and conflicts.

Oct 22, 2008, Approximation

“Catch people doing something approximately right.” — Ken Blanchard

While Blanchard is here talking about managers in a business context, his wisdom applies to children as well. Children need encouragement in order to grow and perform well. We can encourage their effort as well as their cheerful attitude. It is unnecessary to wait until a child has done a task perfectly before we acknowledge them for their effort. Encouragement is not the same as false praise.

Oct 21, 2008, Be Willing To Have It So

“Be willing to have it so. Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune.” — William James

Our children often have a melt-down when things don’t go exactly the way they want or expect. When that happens, we have an opportunity to teach them the importance of acceptance. Too often I see parents miss this opportunity entirely. Instead, they bribe their child with promises in an effort to distract them from their disappointment. It is better to use patient conversation to guide them in the way of acceptance.

Oct 20, 2008, Talk Slowly

Talk slowly but think quickly.

This is highly useful advice for parents. When we face an issue of discipline, resistance or disobedience with our child, it is very important to check our first impulse. Our first impulse is most often triggered by fear of losing control of the situation or we are acting on the reflexive desire to reinforce our authority. When we take a moment to think before we speak, we are more likely to avoid an emotional scene or a power struggle. You can always ask questions such as, “How do you see this?” Or, “What is important to you at this moment?” By asking non-threatening questions, you can buy yourself some time to think as well as calm your inner mind so that you can actually pay attention to your child rather than reacting to them.

Oct 19, 2008, Child in the Middle

“There is a great temptation to employ the child as an ally against other adults, especially when the others try to use him in that manner.” — Rudolph Dreikurs

It is all too easy to use your child to advance your own agenda in a power struggle with your partner. This unfortunate strategy has terrible consequences for your child. When your child feels caught between competing parents, that child will become anxious and emotionally disturbed. Your child will begin to lie in an attempt to escape from being caught in the middle. Make a commitment to yourself and your partner to never put your child in the middle of your relationship when there is conflict.

Oct 18, 2008, Solitude

“A vital boundary issue is taking time for yourself. It’s so tempting to get caught up in the flurry of day-to-day business, in activities involving the children, or in your relationship that it’s easy to forget to take time for yourself.” – Steven Farmer

Farmer correctly draws attention to the importance of time alone. Some people require more solitude than others. Solitude is often a difficult thing to ask for in marriage because your partner may interpret your request for solitude as a desire to avoid them. In fact, the need for solitude has very little to do with the other person in your life.

Oct 17, 2008, Trust

“Trust comes from a sense of emotional safety, and emotional safety comes from parents being there for you with reasonable consistency.” — Steven Farmer

Trust is an essential aspect of healthy relationships. Our children need to be able to trust us. Without trust, there is no emotional safety. This results in chronic anxiety and emotional insecurity. Always make a point to keep your word.

Oct 16, 2008, Kindness and Courage

“Life is mostly froth and bubble

Kindness is a healing balm for smoothing misery, a remedy for loneliness and alienation. Courage is the quality of mind that overcomes hesitancy and enables us to face our fears and challenges without shrinking or evading the task at hand. Kindness and courage are most precious gifts to be shared with our children.

Oct 15, 2008, Individuality

“If a man is not faithful to his own individuality, he cannot be loyal to anything.” — Claude McKay

While McKay was referring to adults, the same can be said for adolescents as well. The task of adolescence is to develop one’s own individuality, one’s own identity, one’s own point of view that is separate from their parents. In order to develop properly, adolescents need enough emotional room to be loyal to themselves without becoming obstinately defiant toward their parents. This requires a delicate balance that few families successfully establish.

Oct 13, 2008, Excellence Through Practice

“Help your children understand that excellence in education cannot be achieved without intellectual and moral integrity coupled by hard work and commitment.” — National Commission on Excellence in Education, 1983.

There are no shortcuts to excellence, whether in education, the arts, business or sports. Aristotle wrote, “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” We need to encourage our children to develop the habit of excellence. Excellence only comes with repeated practice. While our children often resist practicing, it is our job as parents to encourage and support the virtues of repetition and practice.

Oct 13, 2008, People Need Joy

“People need joy quite as much as clothing. Some of them need it far more.” — Margaret Collier Graham

How often do we think about providing our children with joy? And yet joy is as essential as clothing to sustain the life of our children. A joyful Child is more apt to become a creative and productive adult than a joyless child. A joyful home nourishes the spirits of all who enter as well as all who abide there.

Oct 12, 2008, Influence

“We are all generals. Whatever action we take may influence the course of civilization.” — M. Scott Peck

If, as Peck observes, our actions may influence the course of civilization, how much more do our actions influence the character and development of our children. Our children are watching us as they learn to relate of one another, make choices and decisions. What will your children conclude from watching you as you face important and difficult decisions?

Oct 11, 2008, Self-discipline

“To discipline what we allow ourselves to think and say requires us to be different from the crowd. Excellence always does.” — Andrew Matthews

As parents we need to help our children learn to discipline what they think and say. We can do this modeling as well as by clear instruction. Self-discipline, while not very popular these days, nonetheless is a main ingredient of maturity.

Oct 9, 2008, Change Your Mind

“A wise man changes his mind. A fool never will.” — Spanish Proverb

This applies to parents as well. While it is very important for you as a parent of provide your child with firm rules, limits and guidelines (some parents fail miserably at this) it is also important to recognize new situations and adapt your positions accordingly. If you never allow your child to change your mind on an issue once you have taken a stand, your child will grow up feeling powerless when dealing with any authority figure. Feeling powerless when dealing with authority leads to passivity, resignation and helplessness.

Oct 8, 2008, Models not Critics

"Children improve more quickly and effortlessly from observing models and from listening to critics.— anonymous

Our children are more likely to imitate what we do than follow what we say. Providing them with reliable models of the behavior and values we espouse is more effective than either preaching to them or scolding them.

Oct 7, 2008, Problems and Challenges

“If you stop and think about it, some of the greatest challenges you ever faced were in your first few years, as you took on the problems of walking, talking, writing, and so on. What is more, you managed all these things!” — Andrew Matthews

Problems and challenges are the stuff of life. Meeting these challenges and solving these problems provide us with a sense of meaning and purpose. Overprotective parents cheat their children out of the adventure of meeting challenges and solving problems, along with the satisfaction that comes from these positive experiences.

Oct 4, 2008, ENTHUSIASTIC SUPPORT

Mirroring the enthusiasm my children express enables me to connect more easily with them.

Sep 10, 2008, COMPANY

We teach our children mutual respect by how we treat them when we have company.

Sep 4, 2008, GRIEVING

It is important to support children in grieving their losses.

Aug 26, 2008, DISCOURAGEMENT

Discouragement is a cruel bondage that can make it impossible for us to hear the truth about ourselves.

Aug 26, 2008, OVER-RESPONSIBLE

When we are over-responsible, that is, taking on too much responsibility for our kids, they fail to develop appropriate self-responsibility.

Aug 26, 2008, POSITIVE ATTITUDE

As we develop positive attitudes toward our children, they change too.

Aug 26, 2008, DISCIPLINE

Consistent and firm in my discipline need not be physically or emotionally abusive.

Aug 26, 2008, CONSTANT WORRY

I am learning to trust my higher power to both protect my children and protect me from constant worry.

Aug 26, 2008, GENTLE WITH MYSELF

I thank my higher power for being gentle with me and teaching me to be gentle with myself.

Aug 26, 2008, YELLING

When our children are yelling at us, we're tempted to yell back.

Aug 26, 2008, SLOW DOWN

I can slow down long enough to listen to my children and really hear what they are saying.

Aug 26, 2008, SHARING FEELINGS

SHARING FEELINGS is something we want our children to be able to do.

Aug 26, 2008, SENSES DULLED

Our chaotic lives dulled our senses until we needed a big jolt of adrenaline to feel alive.